Between the ears

It isn’t easy fighting an enemy who knows everything about you.

Arguing with someone who will whisper whatever it takes, fake or true.

It’s not easy going into this fight, knowing that if others are brought in, it will drag them down.

I’m sure some of you know what it’s like to have hidden below your smile, a hushed frown.

At first its but the smallest shadow flickering on the wall

From far out it slowly starts to crawl

It starts as a whisper in your ear,

from where it isn’t clear

The whispers grow louder, the shadows blossom into a looming doubt

the sun setting, the shadows growing, and every bit of light goes out

For some of us, a civil war rages in our head

we figure out where the whispers were said

from between our ears our toughest adversary will come to

and every day when you get ready, they’ll stare from the mirror back at you

You fear reaching out because you think it will push people away

You pretend that if they don’t know that they will never stray

But it pains you that you fight a war in your head that they know nothing about

we even begin to forget who we really are and bring forth doubt

Listening to the deafening silence of your friends’ obliviousness

The silence weighing down on your consciousness

It isn’t easy fighting this war inside

And we bottle it up and keep it there to hide

Sometimes we get so gripped and overwhelmed with darkness and doubt

That sometimes we come to conclusion that there’s only one way out

You’ll think to yourself that this war will finally be over and there won’t be anymore pain

But there will be more than one casualty, and the loss of you will be a stain

A stain of sadness on your parents, siblings, children, family, coworkers, and friends

And they’ll torment themselves with the “I could have done something” to no ends

The sun goes down, the lights go away and the shadows and darkness will always be there

But the sun will continue to rise and nothing is ever too far gone to repair

I have a constant battle with myself everyday. I have bipolar 2 (BP2). It’s a milder form of bipolar. It is a battle I have had to fight for quite some time. I was originally diagnosed with both depression and anxiety disorder. Turns out, the medicine didn’t sit too well with me, things went south and they worsened.

The unfortunate thing about mental health, is that it is so difficult to pinpoint an illness. Turns out the diagnosis was wrong. The medicine they were giving me helped to an extent, but in all the wrong ways. It screwed things up even more. On top of that, I scared a lot of people that I didn’t want scared.

Its not an easy thing, and it pains me to see so many people who have tried to get help, only to give up because their medicine isn’t working right away or properly. It’s not like a physical ailment. It is more grueling and takes longer because we don’t see the results. We don’t see a cast put on it, or stitches. No, we take pills that changes up chemicals in our brain. Often times doses have to build up too. And so often, people just give up and things don’t get better, or sometimes they get worse because of the feeling or thoughts of ‘I can’t get any kind of help.’

I was misdiagnosed, my depression and anxiety didn’t get better. My anxiety medication actually amplified the depression and made me quite actually not care about anything. An incident occurred in result to that. Two and a half years without insurance and it going unchecked, things were bad. I struggled to progress myself, either by job or school.

It wasn’t until a bad break up and a year and a half ago that I started going to a specialist again. The first set of meds didn’t work, but then he kind of made a connection when I went in two months later. He tried putting me on BP2 meds. I didn’t notice anything at first. We discussed it more and he explained his thought process. He also expressed that the dosage will increase over the next three months.

Since then, I was officially diagnosed with BP2. Despite my medication keeping me in check, it’s still a constant battle. It’s not something that is going to be defeated by taking a pill. It’s a lifelong battle that I will see to the bitter end. I have bad days sometimes and I’ll even go a couple days without my medicine.It gets pretty brutal when I go two to three days without it.

Nonetheless, the reason I write about my mental disorder is because its a topic so misunderstood. Even to ourselves. Sometimes think that a pill is gonna be a magic fix all band-aid to our problems. I have a few friends who have given up on their psychiatrists because the medicine they were given didn’t work, or who knows, maybe it wasn’t given enough time. I plea with you, that if you even consider that you may have a mental disorder, get professional help. Psychiatrists aren’t in it for a “quick paycheck.” You know what, you might not even like the first psychiatrist you see. The great thing is, they don’t have to be your psychiatrist anymore. You can discuss it with your Healthcare provider. It may not be that they’re a bad psychiatrist. They may just be overly talkative, or you may just have an off feeling about them. But I ask that you seek a professional for help, and Tumblr isn’t a doctor. They can’t go through different steps and processes to find out what helps you best.

If you’re reading this and you have a mental disorder, keep fighting. The civil war between your ears is long and arduous, but with time, patience, and proper help, you’ll be able to gain the edge you need to win. And if you’re reading this and know someone who does or may have a mental disorder, don’t be afraid to check on them. Show them they’re not alone. Sometimes (by that I mean a lot of the time) we get stubborn and drown our own inner suggestions to get help and put a smile on a face that wants to break down and cry.


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